i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
