I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
