I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
