I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
