I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
