Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
