I hate all girls vehemently.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
