That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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