I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
