Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
