Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
