did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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