When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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