I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
