Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
