So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
