I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
