Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
