my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
