last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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