I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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