I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
