I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
