You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
