hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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