You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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