Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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