The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
