I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sext me about skeletons
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
