I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
