i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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