Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
