I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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