You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
