based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
