i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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