Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
