sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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