If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
