If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
His nipple licking is glorious
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