i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
