Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
