I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
