one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
