Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
