I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
