Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
