I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
there is glitter all over my balls
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
