I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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