my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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