ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
