When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
