The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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