May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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