Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
