Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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